Product Review – Boudreaux’s Butt Paste – All Natural: The Cure for All Human Suffering
On the tour in question, I made two very, very stupid decisions: first, I chose to bring along a gel saddle pad, basically in case anyone ran into the kind of saddle discomfort it might alleviate (I should’ve left the d***ned thing at home). Second, I failed to actually pack it, so I just said, “Meh, it’ll be alright,” and strapped it on to my saddle.
You know, my saddle. My completely padding-free Arione. The saddle that I love so very much in part because there is essentially no squishy-factor. The saddle that I chose because my previous saddle was too squishy.
Say it with me: “What was I thinking?!”
I also wore a pair of bibs the second day out that proved to be … errr … less than suitable for a 70-mile day. In fact, they proved as grossly unsuitable for that kind of distance as is humanly possible. The chamois is a little wide, which means that A) the chamois-seams rub on the insides of my thighs and B) certain parts (AHEM!) with loosish skin get pinched like nobody’s business.
Have I mentioned that, while I laugh in the face of vast oceans of pain, I cannot handle being pinched*?
Have I mentioned that being pinched makes me want to cry like a little girl who just lost her puppy? Or like a little gamer geek who just got pwned in Diablo II? Or like a little wanna-be architect who just lost all his nifty Sims 2 neighborhoods in a HDD meltdown?
Horrible, horrible, horrible chafing. Not so much the dreaded ‘taintal’ chafing that is common to the cycling world, but rather chafing of areas even more sensitive. The kind of chafing a man experiences in his nightmares. Possibly the kind of chafing that only happens to intersexed boys who ride bikes for 70 miles while wearing inappropriate bibs and riding on inappropriate saddle pads.
The kind of chafing that had me stopping periodically to slather Carmex on my nether regions because that was all I had to mitigate the pain (it actually worked rather nicely — for a while).
Needless to say, even though I finally got ’round to packing up the stupid gel saddle thingy and opted to wash-and-wear my other bibs (an awesome pair of Fox Evolution “liners,” which are plenty opaque to wear on their own) on days 3 and 4 rather than alternating as I had planned, by the time I got home my loins were more or less drenched in flaming misery.
Yes, that’s right. I said DRENCHED IN FLAMING misery, which doesn’t even make sense, because it hurt so badly it didn’t even make sense. It hurt so badly I didn’t even want to ride my bike (at least, not very far) — and that *really* doesn’t make sense.
A day or two after our triumphant return from the Tour, my friend Michelle and I took a brief trip to Target. There, I discovered the cure for all human suffering (or at least for the horribly-chafed nether regions of touring cyclists): All Natural Boudreaux’s Butt Paste.
I got the “All Natural” variety for two reasons: first, after reading up on some of the effects of pthalates and similar substances, I’ve decided I really need to reduce my exposure. Second, it contains ‘Peruvian Balsam,’ which sounded inherently soothing (yeah, I’m occasionally a sucker for that sort of thing).
The active ingredient in Boudreaux’s All-Natural is 16% zinc oxide (also found in mineral sunscreens). Inactive ingredients (direct from the manufacturer’s website) are: Aloe Vera, Beeswax, Carnauba Wax, Castor Oil, Citric Acid, Hydrogenated Castor Oil, and Peruvian Balsam Oil.
I brought my Butt Paste home, slathered it on my furious bits (the package says it goes on clear; in fact, it goes on just a bit whitish, but really — who cares?), sat back, and said, “Ahhh.”
I don’t know if the chafing healed faster because I used the Butt Paste — frankly, I’ve never had this kind of chafing before. I do know it felt much less miserable, and in fact things progressed quickly from ‘intolerable’ to ‘tolerable’ to ‘slightly less comfortable than normal.’
Flash forward a couple weeks, and I’ve discovered another use for my All Natural Butt Paste: mitigating the effects of co-trimoxazole.
In addition to oral thrush, co-trimoxazole left me with a blistering rash in a very, very, very, very sensitive place. The kind of blistering rash that makes you ‘hold it’ for totally unreasonable durations because you have come to associate having a whizz with howling, burning pain. A bit of Boudreaux’s All Natural Butt Paste (GENTLY!!! applied) has once again saved my skin (perhaps literally).
Because I have no shame, I have even applied it to the terrible, itchy peeling spots beside my mouth (thanks, co-trimoxazole!). Helps there, too. If I could apply it inside my mouth, I would, but it’s not intended for internal use.
It’s worth noting that a little of this stuff goes a long way. You don’t need oceans of it.
As you’ve probably guessed, this stuff has the soothing. While the only listed active ingredient is Zinc Oxide (16%), I am quite certain that is only because they forgot to print ‘Awesome Sauce’ on the label. I’m sure they’ll rectify this in the future.
So, anyway, in case you were wondering: The Buddha taught the Noble Eight-Fold Path as the answer to human suffering. Personally, I’m willing to roll my bike down that road, but only if I can pack my Boudreaux’s Butt Paste**.
Try Boudreaux’s Butt Paste All Natural: It will save your butt.
*I also can’t handle being tickled. Sadly, I have just revealed to the world my personal kryptonite(s). Just so you know, if I see you coming at me with a feather duster or an angry crayfish in the middle of a race some day, I will not hesitate to go all Indiana Jones on you, grab the nearest stick, and jam it through your front spokes. Nothing personal, I just really can’t stand being tickled or pinched.
**I paid the full retail price for this product, and am in no way affiliated with the manufacturer (unless you consider the bonds of eternal gratitude to be a form of affiliation, in which case, yes, I am very much affiliated).